Once upon an island tropic
on a planet microscopic
   raving over manys a plate of Mary Ann's pineapple pie
sat the seven brave survivors
far from realms of kings or kaisers
   in their little humble grass huts, neath Pacific's sky
years and years of rising, falling
tides, no rescue teams came calling
   still they sat with sexual tensions bubbling up inside
Howells, Ginger and the Skipper
Gilligan, the bold young nipper
   Mary Ann, the Professor too, held captive by the tide

Then, up from the beach, came walking
eyes agawk, no time for talking
   just a pale angelic man adorned in strange white robes
thorny crown upon his noggin
cross the sand, his footsteps sloggin
   all along the jungle track amid their quaint abodes
just a man, there seemed no danger
nothing but a quiet stranger
   ambulating slowly in a warm religious daze
then, by Ginger's sweat-soaked hut
he stopped to pick a coconut
   thus catching the attention of the seven castaways

Someone whispered: "Who's this goomer?"
like a virus spread the rumour
   waves of fear washed out about beneath the morning skies
Mary Ann turned blue and fainted
staring at this spectre sainted
   Gilligan could not believe this thing before his eyes
nail-holes through the feet and flippers
noticed by the hawk-eyed Skipper
   caused a wave of cosmic shock to echo once or twice
both the Howells went to pieces
raised a cry: "He must be Jesus
   come to bring salvation to our island paradise"

Then up spake the cool professor
to address this mute confessor
   "Are you man or mouse or mutant, friend or foe or fiend?"
then, as the survivors waited
with their stranded breaths held baited
   not a single answer from the stranger could be gleaned
and, since nothing was delivered
lo, their backbones shook and shivered
   thinking that this ghastly form might mean to do them harm
as they stood there, jumpy, twitchy
Ginger hopped up, hot and itchy
   tore off all her clothes and leaped into the stranger's arms

Still the stranger stood, unmoving
unperturbed by Ginger's grooving
   then all Hell broke loose upon that island in the sun
Mary Ann screamed, more than crazy
"Get your meathooks off my baby!"
   tore clean into Ginger like the wild avenging Hun
then the Skipper did some sambas
ran in circles, went bananas
   started bashing Gilligan about the ears and face
and the Howells, wildly staring
at each others' throats went tearing
   and the bland Professor foamed in ultimate disgrace

Then, amid the fiery battle
this strange man began to prattle
   "Blessed are the blithely stupid, theirs shall be the beer"
as he preached this fervent gospel
all the rest grew further hostile
   mangoes and papayas flew, ripe missiles through the air
as the melee was engaging
high above, a voice came raging
   screaming "Death to infidels!" and other nasty stuff
twas the voice, so black and heartless
of Gilligan, the Prince of Darkness
   hollering "It's all his fault, let's string the bastard up!"

So they grabbed him by the garment
with some spikes, they nailed the varmint
   to a lofty palm tree by the limpid green lagoon
as his facial features slackened
lo, the skies above were blackened
   Thunder, and a blood-red cowl fell down across the moon
then, as morning sun rose high
above this crucified messiah
   they drank some rum & guava juice and then they all felt great
having satisfied their bloodlust
all crawled back into their grass huts
   and, from their warm island home, they never did escape.

                                   (Mike O'Brien)