OFF THE BEATEN TRACKS

(Vikki-Beat, 1988)

Performers: Mike O'Brien, Wallace Hammond, Tony Richards, Duncan Snowden, Barry Newhook, Craig Squires, Jon Heald, Mark Oakley, Stephanie Squires, Bawnie Oulton.
Recorded at Vikki-Beat Studios, January-May 1987. "Howie Meeker" recorded live at the Admiral's Keg, 14 January 1984.
Produced by Wallace Hammond.
Cover art and Booklet by Mike O'Brien

Songs:

Bombs Away Buddy - The Strangeloves
The Space Cadet Song - The Shuttle Demons
18 Wheel Surprise - Cracked Crankcase
Big Paddy Wagon - Prisoner #619169
Nancy and Ronnie Get It On - The Oval Orifice
Ion Surfin - Gbtz Splrft
You're Bad For My Health - The Late John Doe
Do the Creepy Crawly - Machine Gun Sex
I Love You So Much (I Could Shit) - The Willnots
The Howie Meeker Hockey School War Whoop - The Humdingbats
Life's Little Miseries - Poorboy Jones and Brain Drain
Baby, You're Fuckin Up My Karma - The New Cuntree Cowfreaks
Hard Days on the Love Boat - Kaptain Hindgriner & Billy
Das Lied Der Scuzz - Leiben Vulture Club
Honky Tonk Animal - Fat Elvis and the Critters
We Have Been Altered - The 3D Mutants from the Pits of the Bejeezus
Gimme Liberty - The Sacrificial Yams
Diarrhea of the Heart - Tin Blimp
Intensive Care (A Hurtin Song) - Terminal Moron Sects
Workin on the House - Thin as a Nail

BOMBS AWAY, BUDDY

(Words & music by Mike O'Brien)

Here we are, the Air Force crew
bombs away, bombs away
we're flyin our B52
bombs away, buddy

World war three is comin on
bombs away, bombs away
we're gonna put them commies down
bombs away, buddy

And now the bombs are loaded on
bombs away, bombs away
and now we're bound for Moscow town
bombs away, buddy

Clear the runway, off we go
bombs away, bombs away
hip hip hooray for GI Joe
bombs away, buddy

Says the pilot to the bombardier
bombs away, bombs away
let's stick it to that Russian bear
bombs away, buddy

Moscow town goes up in smoke
bombs away, bombs away
fuck em if they can't take a joke
bombs away, boy.

THE SPACE CADET SONG

(Words & music by Wallace Hammond)

Whatever you send up
Well surely it comes down
I hope it burns up on the way
Not right here in our town
If you're lookin for an astronaut
Well buddy don't ask me
You can go ask any cosmonaut
The universe ain't free

I wouldn't go up there in space
If you paid me to
I wouldn't join in NASA's race
I'd be crazy too

Call me teacher's pet
Show me outer space in school
I'll call in sick and see the vet
The launch pad isn't cool
I can see the writing on the wall
Space just ain't my bag
All those G's will make me stall
Can't even take jet lag

CHORUS

Up there in the heavens
We could make a splash
We could all be heroes here
When our space ship crash
Don't want to live on Venus
Or walk upon the moon
Don't feed me intravenous
I'll eat it with a spoon

CHORUS

18 WHEEL SURPRISE

(Duncan Snowden & Barry Newhook)

I was ridin out of Bigotsville, USA
Surprise - surprise

Haulin cattle across the desert
18 wheels behind me
Haulin Cattle to Salt Lake City
Some good Mormon boys gonna eat em up

Well there's a girl at the side of the road
I am carryin a mighty big load
Her thumb is up, she's awful pretty
So I pick her up, she can sit right next to me
Surprise - surprise
Surprise - surprise

18 wheels rollin
18 hippies crushed under my wheels

I've got an 18 wheel surprise for you guys
I've got an 18 wheel surprise for you guys
I've got an 18 wheel surprise for you guys
I've got an 18 wheel surprise for you guys

The sun's goin down, I'm out on the desert
Someone's standin at the side of the road
Well they say you're haulin cattle, but I don't see none
What do you got in the back, boy?
What do you got in the back, mister?
Surprise - surprise
Surprise - surprise

I've got an 18 wheel surprise for you guys
I've got an 18 wheel surprise for you guys
I've got an 18 wheel surprise for you guys
I've got an 18 wheel surprise for you guys

BIG PADDY WAGON

(Traditional)

Swing low, big paddy wagon
Comin for to carry me home
Swing low, big paddy wagon
Comin for to carry me home

Well I looked down Water Street and what did I see
Comin for to carry me home
I saw the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary
Comin for to carry me home

CHORUS

Then I looked down Duckworth Street and what did I see
Comin for to carry me home
The whole C.I.D. was a comin after me
Comin for to carry me home

CHORUS

So I ran up Prescott Street as fast as I can
Comin for to carry me home
In a last-ditch effort to evade the man
Comin for to carry me home

CHORUS

Well I knew I had to think of something mighty quick
Comin for to carry me home
So I hit that cop on the head with a stick
Comin for to carry me home

CHORUS

NANCY AND RONNIE GET IT ON

(Words by Mike O'Brien; music traditional)

Nancy and Ronnie were lovers
they stepped out of a movie screen
stepped on into the White House
the great saccharine American dream
he was her cowboy
and they got it on

Nancy liked her nookie
Ronnie just thought about war
he thought about strategic defenses
till he couldn't get it up no more
he was her cowboy
and they got it on

Nancy got to feelin horny
Ronnie didn't seem to care
said there'll be no more in-out in-out here
till I whups that Russian bear
he was her cowboy
and they got it on

Nancy was gettin desperate
to be his loving wife
but even golden showers
couldn't bring old Ron to life
he was her cowboy
and they got it on

One night Ron was sleepin
Nancy got to feelin mean
she snuck into the Oval Office
to the heart of the war machine
he was her cowboy
and they got it on

Nancy thought about Ronnie
thought how he done her wrong
she yelled "It's bedtime for Bonzo"
as she pushed that button down
he was her cowboy
and they got it on

ION SURFIN

(Words by Craig Squires & Mike O'Brien; music by Wallace Hammond)

Caught the grav wave out at Sirius
With the ions runnin smooth
We surfed through six dimensions
In the seventh we found out groove
Canis Major was our neighbour
For the next few light years on
Not a care in all the galaxy
Space-time is just a yawn

After comin out of slo-mo
It's a little yellow sun
Out of nine revolving spheroids
The blue-green one bid us come
Our flight controls were addled
By transmissions from below
Wired in electrostatic soup
Our alpha cone it did blow

We wiped out in its atmosphere
Crash-landing wasn't fun
Too many alpha nectars
Auto pilot came undone
We stumbled out onto the green
Amid the scary crowd
On artificial vegetation
The screams were getting loud

The multitude yelled Go Mets Go
The man in black yelled Out
Balls and bats flew everywhere
What was it all about
The angry crowd attacked us
For delaying of the game
It was then that we decided
It was foolish to remain

We beat it from that planet
To escape this wild attack
Off into the cosmos
We won't be comin back

YOU'RE BAD FOR MY HEALTH

(Words by Mike O'Brien; music by Wallace Hammond)

I saw you come walkin with that blue dress on
my heart started beatin like a neutron bomb
the way your body moved it swept me off my feet
I didn't see the garbage truck come tearin down the street
I was admiring your perfection when it mangled my spine
it took seven weeks of traction just to get you off my mind

You know I love you, baby, all the time
I love you so much, like to lose my mind
I love you more than I love myself
I love you, baby, but you're bad for my health.

I saw you at the checkout of the local Shop n Save
your big blue bedroom eyes near put me in an early grave
I nearly dropped my groceries the way you smiled at me
and invited me to your place for a nice hot cup of tea
we barely had our clothes off when your old man walked in the
door
and beat my face to sausage meat with a peice of 2X4

CHORUS

Took you for a Sunday drive in my new Cadillac
cruisin down a mountain road I wasn't lookin back
the way you blew into my ear it really struck a nerve
as you turned around to kiss me I forgot about the curve
as we sailed across the guard rail I looked deep into your eyes
then you got minor injuries and I got pulverized

CHORUS

When I woke up from the coma you were sittin by my bed
my body wrapped in bandages an icepack on my head
I told you that a love like ours would last eternally
as I ate the tuna salad that you cooked up just for me
the salmonella hit me and I slumped against the wall
but tis better to be loved to death than to not be loved at all

CHORUS

DO THE CREEPY CRAWLY

(Words by Mike O'Brien; music by Mike O'Brien & Wallace Hammond)

There's a brand new dance craze that's goin around
it's called the Creepy Crawly and you don't make a sound
get some camouflage clothing that's just the right size
rub a little charcoal underneath your eyes
put your belly way down close to the ground
and do the Creepy Crawly, baby, all around town

Do the Creepy Crawly, ah oo ah oo
Do the Creepy Crawly, it's the dance for you.

Do the Creepy Crawly round the munitions plant
tunnel under the fence and then grab all you can
get some machine guns, some bombs and grenades
so when you do the Creepy Crawly, you won't be afraid
CHORUS

Do the Creepy Crawley round some posh neighborhood
residential break-ins where the pickins are good
some jewelry for the girlfriend, some cash for yourself
do the Creepy Crawly just to share the wealth
CHORUS

Do the Creepy Crawly round the church down the lane
sneak behind the altar with a spray can of paint
say a little prayer and get down to the job
paint a red swastika on a statue of God
CHORUS

Do the Creepy Crawly round the nuclear site
creep into the control room in the dead of night
push all the buttons, twist the knobs all around
tomorrow they'll wonder why it all melted down
CHORUS

Do the Creepy Crawly round the new Air Force
base plant explosive charges all over the place
hide behind the bushes while you light the fuse
open up a beer and watch all Hell break loose
CHORUS

You know the Creepy Crawly is the best dance in town
we're all gettin bombs and guns and sneakin around
anyone can do it and it's so much fun
do the Creepy Crawly, put the pigs on the run
CHORUS

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I COULD SHIT

(Words by Mike O'Brien; music by Mike O'Brien, Wallace Hammond, Tony Richards & Duncan Snowden)

Sittin in a tavern
on the west end of Water Street
drinkin Dominion by the light of the moon
I'm holdin your hand
and a-whisperin sweet nothings
while the jukebox is playin a sad country tune

Drinkin and dancin and feelin alright
let me put my arms around you and love you tonight
let me give you my lovin
it won't hurt a bit
and I love you so much I could shit

You got eight little children
with eight different daddies
and you spend your time drinkin and runnin around
but I got me a bottle of Triple Crown whiskey
and a cheap hotel room on the wrong side of town

CHORUS

Last call is over
the tavern is closing
my arm round your waist as we walk to the door
I'm not really sure how you'll look in the morning
but I'll love you tonight till my lovestick is sore

Give me your answer
tell me how you feel
I'll love you tonight even though you're a streel
let me give you my lovin
it won't hurt a bit
and I love you so much I could shit
and I love you so much I could shit
and I love you so much I could shit
three times

LIFE'S LITTLE MISERIES

(Words by Mike O'Brien; music by Wallace Hammond)

My boots are small, my feet are sore
my tie got caught in the bathroom door
the dog came in and crapped on my floor
got my legs blown off in the second world war
my son is a lunchpail, my daughter's a whore
and if that ain't bad enough
my pet frog gave me warts

I'm all hung up on democracy
I'm all strung out on PCP
my body's racked with agony
ain't no good news on my TV
the CID are after me
and if that ain't bad enough
my pet frog gave me warts

Income tax gets all my pay
my fourteenth wife just ran away
the mailman's crazy, the milkman's gay
my supper dish is full of clay
I get arrested every day
and if that ain't bad enough
my pet frog gave me warts

I caught VD from the toilet seat
the landlord kicked me out in the street
I'm all alone in the rain and sleet
ain't even got a bite to eat
I got attacked by a dog in heat
and if that ain't bad enough
my pet frog gave me warts

Blotches and zits all over my face
I blew my money at a cockroach race
my girlfriend sprayed me with a can of mace
I can't keep up this heavy pace
my analyst says I'm a hopeless case
and if that ain't bad enough
my pet frog gave me warts

Garner Ted can't save my soul
I lost my teeth down the toilet bowl
the welfare crowd cut off my dole
my future's lookin black as coal
haemmorhoids give me a pain in the hole
and if that ain't bad enough
my pet frog gave me warts.

BABY, YOU'RE FUCKIN UP MY KARMA

(Duncan Snowden & Barry Newhook)

Well, I went up to the mountains
I was lookin for the meanin of life
I ran into the yogi
And he did set me right
So I went on home to meditate
And baby, you know I can't wait
Cause a long haired hippie freak
done did set me straight

And when I come home at night
Baby, you stress me
Maybe you're sent from Satan to test me
Well I know you ain't that bad
At least when I back-arm ya
But baby, you're fuckin up my karma

Now the guys at the site
They laugh at my bell-bottoms
And they snicker when I wear
My meditation beads
Painted flowers on my tractor
Sends em into fits of laughter
But baby, you're the one
That's buggin me

CHORUS

Ummagumma, ummagumma ...

At the Down Home Cafe
For the special of the day
Was a straight-laced preacher dude
Slingin hell at me
But the lotus never talks
And the guru never walks
So I hit him with a ball of
Slant-eyed philosophy

CHORUS

Meditate on it, baby ...

Well I know you ain't that bad
At leat when I back-arm ya
But baby, you're fuckin up my karma

Well I know you ain't that bad
But you make me pig biting mad

HARD DAYS ON THE LOVE BOAT

(Words & music by Mike O'Brien)

I cut off my hair
cashed my royalty cheque
booked a trip on a round-the-world cruise
with Nancy and Ron
Brooke Shields and King Kong
and six hundred grand worth of booze

Hard days on the Love Boat
fear and loathing upon the high seas
we'll hoist the Jolly Roger
cruisin on Hollywood sleaze

Sailed out of LA
takin all kinds of drugs
tryin to beat them prime time blues
bit no two-bit punk
stoned and paralysed drunk
could fill Uncle Milty's shoes

Hard days on the Love Boat
falling ratings on ABC
time to send in a terrorist squad
another burnt out celebrity

PLO guns
on the promenade deck
PCP in my Pina Colada
ratings soared higher
as my Uzi spat fire
hell, a man's gotta do what he's gotta

Hard days on the Love Boat
when the seas run red and grim
buggery and perversion
tourist dollars rollin in

I think of that cruise
when I"m lunched out on booze
it don't hurt so much when I'm drunk
how the weather turned bad
and the captain went mad
and the ship took a nose dive and sunk

Hard days on the Love Boat
where the future's looking bleak
but we'll sail again on the Spanish main
same time same channel next week

DAS LIED DER SCUZ

(New words by Wallace Hammond)

Lied und lied und lied dey all did
Lied der scuzbags, lied dey all
Lied Mulrooney, lied herr Reagan
Lied frau Maggie, Helmut Kohl
Lied der Peckford, lied der Hatfield
Lied der scuzbags, lied dey all

To der gizzards, to der eyeballs
Thru der teeth und out der arse
In der parliament, on der TV
To der nation, to der world
Lied und lied und lied dey all did
Lied der scuzbags, lied dey all

Ayatollah, comrade Gorbachev
Israel, China, all dey lied
Lied un principle, lied in theory
Lied on purpose, lied because
All der horses und der king's men
Couldn't put der planet back together again

HONKY TONK ANIMAL

(Words & music by Wallace Hammond)

If I didn't drink like a fish
I might love you like a rooster
I feel just like a turkey
You think that I'm a shrew
Chug a glug a glug
Cock a doodle doodle
If I had just one more shoter
I'd throw it all up on you

Just another honky tonk animal
Just another cowpoke lost his hat down in the loo
You'd know how I feel as I stink to high heaven
If you had a ten gallon u-rine dumped all over you

If I'm loose in the barnyard
On a Saturday crawl
I'd look like a horse
And I'd kick just like a mule
I'm greased up like a pig
Twice as horny as your toad
All I think of is ass
And that old sow just down the road

CHORUS

If you had a ten gallon u-rine dumped right down over you

WE HAVE BEEN ALTERED

(Words by Mike O'Brien; music by Wallace Hammond, Mike O'Brien & Tony Richards)

Here we sit
silently
waiting
the fools
they bring us our meals
and we grovel
and drool
the doctors are demons
the nurses are ghouls
but weaving our baskets
we follow the rules

Nuns
in their majesty
made the decree
Huns
with their pageantry
stood there to see
straitjackets
buckled tight
no way to flee
somehow they altered us
hideously

Doctors
stand over us
eyes
sharp and black
we shit in our pants
to see how they'll react
poking
and probing
the doctors attack
as helpless
we sit
on the Damaged Goods rack

These warped little men
in their Wise Doctor masks
they know
all the answers
though nobody asked
at night they go home
to their wives
what a blast
leaving us
the poor vegetables
happy at last.

GIMME LIBERTY

(Words by Mike O'Brien; music by Wallace Hammond and Craig Squires)

The sickness and sin of this world we live in
could make a man think life is ugly
but the scenes I have seen since I bought my TV
have driven me totally buggy
I've seen all the soaps and I've laughed at their jokes
and the lamely contrived prime time hijinx
from the Watergate dawn to the fall of Saigon
to the 84 LA Olympics

I've seen guns sold to clowns, seen Allende shot down
seen Somoza and Pinochet smilin
seen Israelis and Yanks crush Beirut with their tanks
I've seen Bridget Bardot condemn swilin
but the things I did see they did not prepare me
for the ultimate insult to reason
pisspoor ratings to boost, all the loons came to roost
for the schlock network's summer off-season

On the 4th of July, to New Jersey they came
for the grand old American Orgy
Miss Liberty day, USA all the way
it was just too mind-bendingly corny
with 200 Elvis clones dancin around
I began to feel funny vibrations
as they got down in style, my poor brain it went wild
I was placed under heavy sedation

I woke up in the home, with my sanity gone
I sat in my straitjacket screamin
as Elvis clones reigned and the worms ate my brain
I watched spiders crawl over the ceiling
sonic waves came to me from the far Pleiades
saying "you are now under our power"
I lifted my hand at the space fiend's command
for now was the time and the hour

I started to smile, I yelled "Reagan - Seig Heil"
waved my star strangled banner so proudly
yelled hip hip hooray for the dear USA
and sang "God Bless Amerika" loudly
the doctors they looked and consulted their book
said "the boy's just a bit patriotic
he's a Yankee and proud, we should let him out now
so what if he's mildly psychotic"

On the 6th of July as the sun it was high
I boarded the Staten Island ferry
as we sailed out that day into Liberty bay
the mood it was terribly merry
through the warm smoggy air I saw Liberty there
and that's when my mind went to peices
I hollered, I roared and I whipped out my sword
screamin "I am the Samurai Jesus"

I slashed and I slashed, it was well worth the cash
just to be so distinctly sadistic
I did it my way, then they took me away
just one more all-American statistic
tonight as I sit all alone in my cell
and watch reruns of Dennis the Menace
I pray to Lady Liberty that someday I'll be free
and then I can run for the senate

Yeah, gimme liberty - and gimme it now.

DIARRHEA OF THE HEART

(Words by Mike O'Brien & Wallace Hammond; music by Wallace Hammond, Mike O'Brien & Duncan Snowden)

There's a light shinin through my asshole
Where only the darkness was
My insides all have left me
I'm all washed out because she gives me
DI-A-REE-A - meeeowww
DI-A-REE-A - meeeowww

She killed my cat, she fed my rat
I'm stickin to my guns
Nothin's stickin to my innards
My love gives me the runs, she gives me
DI-A-REE-A - meeeowww
DI-A-REE-A - meeeowww

Bang your toilet seats off your head
She banged a toilet seat off my heart

BREAK

Her love sells me like hotcakes
It's like goin on the tear
And now my heart is runnin wild
Diarrhea in your ear, she gives me
DI-A-REE-A - meeeowww
DI-A-REE-A - meeeowww

Oooh, diarrhea
Oooh, diarrhea
Oooh, diarrhea
Oooh, SHIT!

INTENSIVE CARE (A HURTIN SONG)

(Words & music by Wallace Hammond)

I knew all along
It might end this way
I borrowed a grand
From a loan shark one day
He got mighty nasty
When I could not pay
My relations just stare
There's nothing to say

Intensive care
I may not survive
They stomped me so bad
I'm just barely alive

I need some relief
My life blood it wanes
Won't you please turn me over
Cause my asshole it pains
And if in the morning
There's just my remains
It would not be as bad
As walkin with canes

CHORUS

Call in the Reverend
I want my last rite
I'm tired of cryin
And moanin all night
And after I pass on
Just turn out the light
And learn a good lesson
From this poor turkey's plight

CHORUS

WORKIN ON THE HOUSE

(Wallace Hammond & Craig Squires)

Workin on the house - yeehaw
Workin on the house - yeehaw
Workin on the house - yeehaw
Workin on the house - ha ha ha ha

Hammers and saws - yeehaw
Hammers and saws - yeehaw
Hammers and saws - yeehaw
Cats with claws - meeeow

Dust on the floor - yeehaw
Dust in the air - yeehaw
Dust in our lungs - yeehaw
Open the door!!!

Talk while you caulk - yeehaw
Talk while you caulk - yeehaw
Talk while you caulk - yeehaw
It's a house building putch - pooch

Shut up pootch - yeehaw
Shut up pootch - yeehaw
Shut up pootch - yeehaw
Shut up dog!!!

Shut up dog - yeehaw
Shut up dog - yeehaw
Shut up dog - yeehaw
Shut up, ya mangy varmint

Workin on the house - yeehaw
Hammers and saws - yeehaw
etc, etc, etc

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